Mentally or Physically
by 9155708
Summary: Oneshot. It's one month after Edward has left, and it's Charlie's birthday. How is Bella holding up?


**Mentally or Physically**

I lifted my weary head from my bed of pain as I heard the voices downstairs.

"Harry and Sue Clearwater! How great it is to see you," I heard my father greeting the visitors.

"Hi Charlie! Happy birthday. We got you a present…"

Charlie's birthday? His birthday was the 13th of October…

That means it has been… one month since my birthday; one month since _he_ left.

Him, being of course, the love of my life. My soul mate, my life companion, my reason for living. The one other person that I could ever hope for true and utter happiness with.

I winced at the pain of those words brought; wrapping my arm around my stomach. It was as if I was trying to prevent my whole body from falling apart, even though I knew it was inevitable.

I realized then that I hadn't even bought Charlie a present. I couldn't even remember the last time I spoke to him. I had a sudden onrush of guilt; how could I be this careless?

It's not like I had a lack of money or too many social commitments standing in the way… I worked after school 3 days a week, and _never _went out with friends anymore.

I had just been too wrapped up in my own world of mental torture to remember my own father's birthday.

I pulled myself up and stumbled through my door to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror.

What I saw was not me.

What I saw was a girl with dark brown eyes, dark brown hair and a heart shaped face.

But her cheeks were gaunt. She was extremely skinny. Her hair and skin looked unhealthy, to say the least. Her eyes were flat and expressionless, no twinkle whatsoever.

I was unnerved, who was this girl? I turned my head from side to side, and the girl in the mirror copied my movements… But could it be?

How could this ugly, depressed looking girl be me?

I had turned into a spiritless monster.

_Damage has been done,  
The fears ignite one by one.  
The blinding light uncovers,  
So much love, it's unconditional._

I splashed cold water on my emotionless face, ran a brush through my hair and walked to the stairs to meet Harry and Sue.

I was going to apologize profusely to Charlie for forgetting his brithday; I hope he'd understand, even though I had no legitimate excuse.

I went into the kitchen to find the three seated around the table. All eyes were trained on me as I entered, and I felt a faint blush rising in my cheeks.

"Bella! How are you? It's so great to see you, it's been a long while," Sue wrapped her arms around me into a tight hug. I attempted half heartedly to return her embrace.

"Hello there, Bella," mumbled Harry, when Sue released me. He flashed a straight lipped smile in my direction, and I felt my lips tug up on one side to smile back.

I can't even remember the last time I smiled fully since _he_ left. I don't think I have.

Charlie gave me a half hug. I looked up at him apologetically.

He smiled back, as if to say 'It's okay Bella, I know you're broken. I forgive you for forgetting my birthday.'  
I couldn't even look at him in the eye after that.

We all had some of the pizza Sue and Harry had brought over with them for dinner.

There was small talk and inattentive chatter from everyone but me. I muted it all out, only talking when somebody asked me a direct question. I said goodnight after that and politely excused myself.

Trudging up the stairs, I reminisced about the many times that I had tripped and _he_ had been there to catch me.  
Literally _and_ metaphorically.

That hurt, so I tried to stop remembering before it became hard for me to breathe. I sighed and went to my bedroom.

It was extremely messy. There were clothes all over the floor, my books splayed out over my desk. Disbelief clouded my mind.

What had happened to me?

Why does if feel like my life has been so abruptly ended by the departure of the Cullens?

I feel like I'm living in a limbo- a vague, nagging, painful limbo.

I feel like… I feel like _he_ carelessly yanked out my heart, wrapped it up with painful words, memories and hopes, and recklessly placed it back inside the gaping hole in my broken chest, with no second thought.

Will this feeling ever get better?

The feeling that everything you had ever hoped for, wished for, dreamed of, has just died?

The feeling of losing the one person made for you?

_You wanted to run from,  
A love you could not kill.  
Affections are less dangerous,  
When you're not afraid to feel._

I had to believe it would.  
I had to lie to myself uncertainly that it would.  
Otherwise, I'm not too sure how much longer I would last, mentally _or _physically.

_Reckless hearts,  
Nearly tore us apart.  
Despite all this heartache,  
It's worth the time it takes._


End file.
